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Monday, May 20, 2002
my lola taught me to sit up straight, altho i never do
she taught me to be proud of who i am, altho sometimes i feel ashamed
she taught me to be graceful with everything you do, but i'm a complete klutz
her skin was beautiful, a light cappucino cream
while mine is brown and tan, dark like chocalate milk
her hair was strong, short and gray
while mine is young, long and black
i have her eyes, dark and brown
i have her mouth, soft and pink
i cried when they cut her hair.
i knew they had to operate, but it felt like apart of her was missing
i cried when she could not speak
i knew she was paralyzed, but i wanted to hear her voice
i cried when i looked into her eyes, the eyes we shared
i knew she was sad, but i couldn't do anything
i cried because she was slowly dying before me
and i couldn't do anything
i miss the touch of her hand on my forehead as i would "amin" her
i miss her smell, like the rosary she held that was scented with rose petals
i miss her voice, it soothed me as she spoke to me in tagalog
i miss sitting next to her in church and watching her pray with such devotion
my lola is gone
i'm starting to forget her
forget her voice, her laugh, her face
her hands, her touch
her...
my lola was everything i see myself not to be
but she had faith that i would grow into a strong pilipina woman
just like her...
i only hope i can be like her...
be strong, be proud, be graceful...
be wise...
i have my lola eyes...her mouth...
my inspiration to free my voice
my lola...
lainey 12:28 PM
Sunday, May 12, 2002
Sunday, May 12, 2002
more random things from my imagination....
she didn't for ask too much
thats what she thinks
she was ready and willing to be your friend
there was no pressure for any outcome
there was no false pretenses in her motives.
she had enough friends
but she felt like there was a connection
but she was willing to let you in
willing to let you be a part of her life
almost willing to let you in
but then you went away
and it wasn't that she's lost or angry
but then you went away
she was just so simply confused
but then you went away
and then there's no use talking anymore
but then you went away
so she just closed that door
too many times she had seen this happen
too many times had she got hurt
too many times she had jumped in the ocean
only to drown from lack of support
she didn't know how to deal
she didn't know how to feel
lost in the melody of melancholy
lost in the sea of the starry night
bc you went away
and its not that she's lost or angry
cause you went away
it was just that she was confused
but then you went away
there was no use to talk anymore
for you went away
and she just closed that door
she didn't want to hear your apology
she didn't want to hear you cry
she didn't want to be your girl
she didn't want to be your world
all she asked was to be your friend
all she asked was for you to listen
all she asked was for you to trust
all she asked was that that was enough
bc you went away
and its not that she's lost or angry
cause you went away
it was just that she was confused
but then you went away
there was no use to talk anymore
for you went away
and she just closed that door
you went away
out the door you go
you went away
there the friendship goes
you went away
no more phone calls no hellos
you went away
thats how the story goes
you went away...
lalalalalala
you went away...
lalalalalala
you went away....
------------------------------------------------------------------------
i hope i remember the melody to this...
its a song...
hopefully i dont forget
on another note...
HAPPY MAMA DAY!!! =p
posted by e d at 12:46 PM
lainey 1:20 PM
mixed up fairy tale #1:
the saddened lass asked,
"good morrow gentle fairy i come to you with a conundrum. you once told me to turn to my friends when in time of need. but what good of it when my friends are the conundrum???"
the fairy replied...
"...find new friends...& leave all those who have caused you pain. for if they caused you all this pain are they really your friends???"
the sad lass looked at the fairy and smiled...
"no"
"correct. don't be boggled by happy memories, for they are only a farce. when you needed their help, their friendship, what happened? you were left to fend for yourself. why put up with idiot morons who can't see the obvious."
the fairy kissed the sad lass on the forehead and wiped the tear on her cheek.
"no good can come from exploring a loss cause. leave it and find new friendship in those who won't brush you aside. the trick is finding those friends. who knows you might already have them..."
the fairy flew away and the lass was no longer sad because she finally understood that some people do not have to be in your life. even if there were good times, do they out they outweigh the bad? if not...then the fairy would tell you to leave.
and so the lass leaves...no longer sad, just a little bit wiser.
the end
posted by e d at 4:26 PM
lainey 1:19 PM
Thursday, April 25, 2002
i wonder
where the music comes from
where the melody flows
why the melancholy voice knows
i wonder
why we can pick up where we left off
like nothing ever happened
why we can move on
and i can still consider you a good friend
i wonder
if in time you'll still be around
or will you forget the friendship we've found
i wonder
all these things float in my head
but i keep silent about them instead
i'll just enjoy it while it lasts
this friendship, hopefully won't pass
perhaps this thing we have is concrete?
would that be a momentous for feat?
for you not for me
thats for sure
i keep my friends intact
by i know you're usually a little unsure
i wonder
i simply wonder
==============================
lainey 1:18 PM
Friday, April 12, 2002
so many thoughts
so many challenges
challenges to my mind
challenges to my heart
challenges to my soul
what's a person to do when it feels like everyone's on the attack???
what's a person to do, but strike back...
fuck the apprehension
fuck the tension
fuck all the trials and tribulations
bring it on and bring it fast
because i'll be sure not to come out last
stop doubting me and my beliefs
i'm tired of being told that there all falsities
i know who i am
i know who you are
and now i know that i'm ready to spar
fuck off
fuck you
you have no goddamn clue
because if you don't bring it
then i dont want any of your shit
was what i was thinking....
but all i said was...
hey...i gotta go
posted by e d at 1:28 PM
lainey 1:17 PM
Getting teased to the point of tears,
Sometimes by you, sometimes protected by you
But I know that in some way, in some fashion
You'd be by my side.
Enjoying. Sharing. Experiencing
the happiness of childhood
the pain of adolescence
the wonderment of being an "adult"
And then realizing how good we really had it.
5 kids, like brothers and sisters
connected by the fact our mothers were sisters
5 kids, who nearly spent every waking moment with each other
At school, at Tonapah, at Marson...
Somehow we were always together
And then...
1 left...
4 kids, left to share the same school,
the same troubles
Living up to reputations of name...
Not having a name...
Constantly being associated by our familial connection
"Your Sean's cousin...You're Charlie's brother..."
Always a point of reference
It seemed like I could never be myself...
just another point of reference
And then slowly we leave
We grow older
We're no longer kids,
We're no longer close
but somehow the bond still remains,
Physically we're far apart
Emotionally we're not
like brothers and sisters we were
Fighting. Bickering. Loving
At least, I know, at the end of the day
there are 4 other people in this world
who I will have a shoulder for me to cry on...
who I can share a drink with...
who I will always share my life with...
I love these people
Family by blood
Friends by choice
At least with them I'll never lose my voice.
posted by e d at 11:23 AM
lainey 1:15 PM
wFriday, March 15, 2002
every time i see the book and all its stories...i wanna grin
every time i listen to the music and all the lyrics...i wanna grin
every time i talk to you and hear you speak...i wanna grin
every time i see your smile and see the gleam in your eyes...i wanna grin
every time i read your letter and hang out with you...i wanna grin
every time i find you to go hang out and do absolutely nothing...i wanna grin
every time i have a smoke break in front of the cross and you sit with me and inhale my 2nd hand...i wanna grin
every time i sleep on your couch and you have coffee waitin for me in the mornin...i wanna grin
every time i walk in the door and your happy to see me...i wanna grin
every time i think twice bc of something you said and i laugh at your crazy train of thought...i wanna grin
every time i go get breakfast and we pretend we're chp students...i definitely wanna grin
simply put....
every time i'm with you...i wanna grin
i'm grinning... ;)
lainey 1:13 PM
=======================================
so they were talking for what felt like the last time. every word that was coming out of the phone felt like a goodbye, when what they both wanted was for time to stop being so stubborn, so fickle, and so...the problem. instead the words kept falling out of each others mouth as fast as they fell for each other.
who knew that when this all started that it would end so strangely? they both kept the conversation going as if they knew that hanging up would be the end. the long uncomfortable pauses were becoming unbearable. they both didn't want to hear each others muffled tears and sniffles any longer.
she said,
"do you want me to let you go?"
it was a simple question with too many complicated answers. he didn't want this to happen. he didn't want this to end. he didn't want this to be all his fault. but that's what it felt like.
the conversation was over. there were no more words that they could say to each other. they both knew that the phone would stop ringing even though they made promises to each other that it never would.
"yeah i'll go..."
it wasn't the answer she wanted to hear, but it was the answer she knew she would hear.
"ok, bye"
"bye..."
*click*
=========================================
lainey 1:11 PM
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
last night i fell in love with his song. the words and melody that came from his voice enraptured me completely. there was something about him that made me wanna go up to him and say, "hi i'm so and so would you like to have a drink?" but that would requre something called "courage" an element that i struggle with as well as other young people in my age bracket.
so what did i do instead? i sat at the bar, at the smoking patio and drank/smoked the night away with the homies. we conversed as we normally do. our conversation consisting of the usual laughter and sarcasm, which i gladly participated in. but my attention was obviously held elsewhere. on the stage where he was.
in a sea of earth toned shirts and cacky pants, he wore a blue button down shirt and dirty denim. in a mess of beige beanies and skully caps, his blue nyc mets cap caught me staring. he was comfortable with the fact that he didn't fit the "norm" of the neo-soul / hip hop style. he let his voice illustrate that he was definitely part of the scene.
damn that voice. when i walked in i felt my heart jump and then suddenly melt because it was the sound that had the soul that echoed in d'angelo, maxwell and musiq's voice. only this time it came intimately before me from a pilipino male. on any other occasion i would have simply walked passed him and thought "hmm he's cute" and that would have been that. but his voice kept me staring.
"je - su - chris - to" i said as his set ended and the dj began to get ready to take over. the gals and fellas laughed as i was obviously gawking at him as he stepped off stage and manuevered to the bar. we got up from our camp in the smoking patio to dance to the music. the dj was our friend and the reason we were there anyway. i didn't really want to dance, so i couldn't be my usual funny and crazy dancing self because my eyes kept going back to the bar where HE was.
and then the embarrasment occured.
damn friends and their drunken mentality and stupidity. i went to bar to get a drink to quench the thirst that had come about from dancing. one of the fellas, who had intended to gently nudge me into HIS direction, pushed or shoved me into his direction instead. who knows...my inebriated ass felt like i was shoved into his way. i looked at my friend with a distainfull eye at his "accidental" nudge and he winked back at me with a "go get'em" smirk on his face.
"i'm sorry" muttered out of my mouth. I felt like i was blushing all over but the dim lights and my dark brown skin hid all that.
"don't worry about it. its cool. what are you drinkin?" and he motioned for the bartendar to come by our way.
and that's how it all started. i went from gawking uncontrollably to having a conversation with him. i learned that he was a pisces, studied english and comparative literature because he loved the lyricism in it, listened to hip hop for the same reasons, sang because it was a gift given to him, wrote because it was how he shared, listened to r&b and soul because it was what he grew up on, and danced because it came naturally.
i didnt wan to think he was perfect because there's no such thing as perfection in my book. but he was cutting it close. we danced to the same beat and grooved the same way. when it was last call i didn't realize that two or some odd hours had passed. and we had enjoyed each others company for the most part.
people started to filter out and our dj friend began to pack up. we all lingered waiting for the next plan of action...most likely food. we shared a cigarette and conversed some more and some how...i think it was the liquid courage called alcohol...words spilled from my mouth...
"so are we gonna do this again sometime?"
the night wasn't even over then, but damn that alcohol, the words just came out.
"lets wait and see where this night goes first..." he answered and he sweetly smiled.
our respective peoples filtered out into the parking lot and packed up our cars. it was off to norm's to sober up on bottomless cups of coffee and food. his friends and my friends all seemed to get along. in fact it felt like we were all long lost homies. we all were starving and couldn't get enough of our late night breakfast endeavor. it was a nice end to a surprising evening.
as wel all filtered out of norm's to smoke a cigarette so we could regain the feeling of a stomach i asked him again...
"so are we gonna do this again sometime?"
"well what do you think?"
i pulled out my phone and gave it to hiim to enter his number.
"thats what i think" i said with a mischevious grin.
he smiled and gave me his phone to do the same.
the night was coming to a happy close and i was ready for a long hot shower and my comfy bed to rest in. he walked me to my car and it was quite embarrassing to say goodbye with a car full of my friends...but it had to be done.
"so i'll hear from you later yeah?" he said
"definitely..." and i gave him a hug...not good bye, just good night.
i got into my car and started the engine and just as i was about to back out of my space he knocked on my window. i opened it to see what was up....
"yeah?"
he walked up to the window and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
"i've been wanting to do that all night. i had to do it before you left."
my friends just giggled. it was so wrong. but definitely expected and embarrassing. that's my friends for you.
"uhhh...thanks...i'll talk to you later" and i smiled.
he walked to his car and i drove off feeling very happy. this night started with me falling in love with his song. i didn't know it would lead to maybe falling in love with him. that's what i call a good night out with the gals and fellas.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
lainey 1:10 PM
one day a child asks a father,
"dad what does it mean to be happy?"
the father stares at his child and thinks for a moment. thinks, how am i going to define happiness to my child? he then answers to his child,
"to be happy means to be able to smile because something good is happening around you..."
the child still looked confused.
so the father tried again, "to be happy is like the sensation you feel when you first bite into an ice cream cone with your favorite flavor. before you even bite into it you know what its going to taste like, but its in that first bite do you realize how good it really is."
the father anticipated some form of understanding from his child so he asked,
"do you know what it means to be happy now?"
"no, but i'm hungry and want an ice cream cone now."
the father smiled and went to the freezer to take out some ice cream. he made an ice cream cone for his child and then watched his child eat it.
"do you know what it means to be happy now?"
the child smiled, a face stained with chocolate and vanilla cheeks grinned and said,
"mm huh...actually i always knew dad, i just wanted some ice cream."
the child skipped out of the kitchen and giggled out into the living room.
"AT LEAST WASH YOUR FACE!" yelled the child's dad. "YOU'VE GOT ICE CREAM ALL OVER IT!"
"SURE DAD" the child giggles out.
"hey dad?"
"yeah" he answered
"thanks..."
the father smiled and thought to himself, "something good just happened around me."
e d 3:12 AM
lainey 1:09 PM
Tuesday, April 30, 2002
so she finally decided that whatever they had, whatever "it" was, was over. it was like the magic was gone. the connection was missing. perhaps the newness of the situation was what sustained their relationship. its funny because the only thing their relationiship was, was friendship.
"how do you break up...from a friend?" was the constant question that was running through her head.
she didn't know the answer. but inside she knew that she was taking baby steps to this "break up." its more of the fact that she came to the realization that that was what she wanted. sometimes you just dont want certain people in your life. its really sad to think that, she knows, but that's what it feels like.
the baby steps were really that she wasn't calling, wasn't really trying to do anything to continue the friendship. the funny thing is she really tried to find the magic that once sustained their friendship, their laughter, but she couldn't. she noticed though, that this was a pattern with her. whenver a friend had hurt her in some way or fashion, she would attempt to rekindle the friendship, that bond that had been so tight and clear, but it always would fail. as it did now.
lie of omission? was that what caused her to begin these baby steps to separation? perhaps. too many times had these lies happened to her. she realizes that that's always the case when she loses her friends. its not really more of a loss, but she steps away from their lives. often it just is circumstance that allows her to separate herself from those "friends."
but she knows in this situation, there really is no circumstance that will separate them. only her own doing. so she's stepping out of their life as friends, his life in general.
slowly walking away because "its" gone. but she knows that after awhile...she won't notice and...he won't notice. and everything will be honky dory again. they'll just be phone numbers in a cell that never get dialed.
"how do you break up...with a friend?"
she still doesn't know...but she understands that somehow, inevitably, it will happen...
e d 2:18 PM
a long time ago they were friends. they played and had fun and enjoyed each others company until the wee hours of the morning. but then something changed. as the song says, "seasons change, people change..." and things were different. one friend tried to relive the past, but the magic wasn't there. so what were they to do? it just didn't feel right anymore. almost as if the connection was gone.
"what to do? what to do?" one friend contemplated.
"is this friendship really worth saving?"
these thoughts raced through the friends mind. the answer wasn't as clear as before, when the answers were just so simple. to walk away would mean leaving a friend behind, but it could also mean this....
to walk away means that maybe that that friendship ran its course...
who knows...each day is a journey in they're friendship. who knows whether or not they'll get closer or further apart. the only thing that one friend does know is that the times were fun while they lasted and its slightly looking like the friendships coming to a close. who's to say that this friendship will end? who's to say that it'll continue? who's to say that it was ever meant to begin? and who's to say that it's supposed to end?
the one friend really had no idea what to do...perhaps the friend just has to watch it dwindle down...bc that's whats happening...
"what to do? what to do?"
e d 2:40 AM
lainey 1:09 PM
Tuesday, April 23, 2002
could you tell me a story?
a story about how a boy meets a girl
how a girl meets a boy
and they click?
could you tell me a story?
of how there was a chance
but how it seemed like they were off beat?
missing that split second
passing the right moment
could you tell me a story?
where someone got hurt
you didn't get hurt
i got hurt
could you tell me a story?
no?
well neither can i.
e d 6:52 AM
lainey 1:08 PM
Wednesday, April 24, 2002
here's a story...its been floating in my head for awhile i want to get it outbefore my senile ass forgets
so here it goes:
in my life i grew up with buddha. but this buddha was never so lucky even though his belly grew in size. i wasn't very lucky even though i did what buddha asked. i went to school and did my chores. i got good grades and followed the rules. but somehow buddha wasn't happy like he was supposed to be. he wasn't like the jovial jade statue that i saw on occasion in stores.
my buddha worked all the time. buddha came home tired, thirsty, and hungry. my buddha wanted its meals to be ready but bodhisvatra came home late too. the meals wouldn't be ready for buddha when he got home, so he drank. buddha would ask me to fetch its favorite beverage, beer, from the refridgerator. i obeyed buddha and brought a cold aluminum can to where he was sitting. i would do this so many times, every night, that this is how i watched buddha's belly grow.
buddha's belly grew, but our luck didn't. more and more negative events kept occuring. my lola got into a car accident, my other lola passed away, my lolo was put into the hospital....so many unlucky things and yet buddha's belly grew.
i realized that this growth wasn't due to luck or wealth but all the unlucky things that were happening. i never saw my buddha cry because i cried enough tears for him. comforted by drink and food, buddha's belly grew. comforted by indulgences that did nothing to resolve the pain that was occuring emotionally and mentally.
my buddha is slowly dying...all those years of indulgences have given my buddha bad blood, bad liver, bad everything. you'd think i'd learn from my buddha, but i've noticed that my own belly of pain is growing. and i'm repeating the pattern my buddha lived.
that's when i came to the conclusion...i am just like my buddha. i will grow up to be like my buddha. i am a sad little buddha.
e d 9:34 PM
lainey 1:08 PM
words from my imagination...
i was tossed aside
tossed to the way side
like a rag doll
all used up with no more love
i feel like i can't love
and its all your fault
i didn't want to
i said no
you wouldn't listen
i said no
I SAID NO
but you wouldn't listen
and now all i hear is my screams
the screams that i couldn't project because your hand covered my mouth
the screams that wanted to burst through my lungs but came out in the form of tears
all i have is tears
all i have is my tears
all i have is my fears
so i'm here now
a ghost, a shell
i'm hardly the person you knew so well...
i can't go back to those joyous daze
i'm wandering around in this muttle of a haze
i feel like i can't love
and its all your fault
i feel like i can't love
and its all your fault
I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T LOVE
AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT
so why does it still feel like its my fault???
e d 1:19 AM
lainey 1:07 PM
i'm laughing inside
again and again
i'm laughing inside
bc your situation seems dead
i'm laughing inside
relishing in your dismay
i'm laughing inside
finding humor in your emotional disarray
i'm laughing inside
and i know its evil
i'm laughing inside
but its how i feel
i'm laughing inside
and you can't stop me
i'm laughing inside
i do find it creepy
i'm laughing inside
proof that i'm horrid
i'm laughing inside
i really am deplor-ed
shit bitch damn fuck
i guess you're all outta luck
shots at your pride
and all i'm doing is laughing inside
e d 9:31 AM
lainey 1:06 PM
reading all those lines
lines not lies
i can see it now
you had no idea what you were doing
ignorance isn't an excuse, i know
but i can finally let it all go
my pain has dissapated
a fresh page is what's slated
for me
i'm content after being discontent for so long
all those moments where i thought "you done me wrong..."
have evaporated into oblivion
i can wipe my tears from all those shoulders i cried on
the world isn't exactly a better place
i just won't have to constantly show a brave face
i'm gonna let my emotions flow
and in time put you in the know
for now i'll still go about my daily routine
and have my anger at you go unseen
but at least this time its been bottled up and tossed aside
and intact still is my pride
my training and solutions have materialized
and i look at you with different eyes
not eyes of an unrequited __________ fill in the blank
not eyes of tears
not eyes of an unknown enemy
not eyes of anger
but eyes of a friend...
simply a friend
e d 1:36 AM
Friday, April 05, 2002
i'm training myself to not feel pain...
my solution is to get lost in the music...
my solution is to lose the problem...
my solution is to forget the person...
my solution is to write it out...
my solution is to laugh...
my solution is to smoke...
my solution is to drink...
my solution is to leave it all behind...
my solution is to leave you...
i'm training myself to not feel pain...
i'm training myself to be numb...
i'm training myself to be apathetic...
I'm training myself to be nonchalant...
i'm training myself to be ok...
i'm training myself to be...
i'm training myself to be...
fine...
e d 3:49 PM
lainey 1:05 PM
this is dedicated to ...........:
I know this is hard to say
but i think i've finally walked away
although I'm near you
I'm by your side and I sit, laugh, and listen
but the twinkle in my eye, that glisten
Are all elements of an act that cover up
Pain, tears, emotions that you'll never see
Pieces that are constantly a part of me
But the pieces you see aren't whole
bc my hearts been buried deep down, as does a mole.
the closer we seem, the further I go
And all of this you'll probably never know
I smile at you and I take a step
We talk and i take one step more
I laugh and now I'm a mile away
That hug goodbye can't make me stay
I can't believe how far apart I've left
bc in you eyes our closeness has so much depth
But being the victim has made me crass
Although you would probably expect it the last
I've grown accustomed to placing a smile on my face
and being the listening ear that you can't replace
But understand that inside i'm dead to you
I cannot/ will not make you a part of the select few
who knows each element, each part of me
especially the parts that you dont see
So as i sit and talk to you now
or answer the phone knowing your on the other side
This facade of a friendshiip i will allow
It will not seem that you were denied
bc i know one day this will all fizzle out
and these words will no longer have any clout
You'll have benefited from a "true friend"
and at least I'll know i never let my guard down to get hurt again.
Hello and I smile
My path grows longer
My feet continue to take me away from here
I'm walking
I'm walking
Away from my fears
that i'll forget and i'll forgive you
and that everything will begin anew
I'm walking away
and you can't stop me
I'm walking away
I'm finally free...
e d 1:48 PM
Wednesday, March 27, 2002
if i had one wish i would take you away from here
from all your pain and all your fears
away from this torrid situation
rid you from your trials and tribulations
if I had one wish I'd leave this place
and the only thing I'd take with me is you and your face
the strife you comprehend and understand
would be the troubles of another man
if I had one wish I would step away
and live to dream another day
but that would be a cop out, a façade
a choice that I know no one would applaud
if I had one wish you would finally be happy
smiles on your face wouldn't be a rare anomaly
the joy and laughter you used to know
wouldn't be constantly battled by all your normal foes
if I had one wish you would be at peace
and money would be of the least
of all your troubles and your worries
there would be no thought of having to scurry
to find a way to pay all those bills
and plotting of ways of using nothing to create meals
I'm sorry that all I have are my wishes
I'm sorry that I can't give you more
I'm sorry that there's nothing more I can do
I'm sorry that we live here
I'm sorry that we lost our dreamhouse
I'm sorry that you have to make yourself calm down
I'm sorry that you have to be in constant fear
I'm sorry that you have to think "if I'm gonna go down, I'm gonna go down fighting…"
I'm sorry for this constant mess
I'm sorry that I can't fix it
I'm sorry that you can't fix it
If I had one wish I wouldn't be sorry
But I can't stop wishing
And I can't stop apologizing
I can't stop hoping
I can't stop dreaming
I can't stop
I can't stop
I can't stop
I just want for you to remember what it was like to be at peace
I just want you to remember what it was like when we were young
I just want you to remember that it isn't all that bad
I just want you to remember that you were at once happy
I just want you to remember that you can be happy
I just want you to remember
I just want you to remember
I just want you to remember
If I had one wish
I'm sorry
I can't stop
I just want you to remember
It isn't all that bad
You were happy
Be happy
If I had one wish
e d 1:29 AM
lainey 1:05 PM
Saturday, March 23, 2002
mixed signals
life is simply full of mixed signals
wake the fuck up and realize this
there's a form of apprehension in your voice that i'm tired of
so i'm turning to someone else who doesn't need to front
if it looks like that i'm shying away from you
i just might be
bc i'm simply tired of the falsity that is our friendship
falsity? yes i said falsity?
i'm hoping that a word it be.
but frankly that describes the friendship that has been fostered.
and frankly i'm tired of being constantly bothered
with the bullshit, ok not bullshit
but shit that you believe in
represented through words and your attire
fuck i guess i am just tired
of attempting to understand you
bc i've let you understand me and nothing seems to get through
alas one more friendship bites the dust?
has the time wasted just been a bust...
i'm gonna walk away and see what happens
perhaps what i'm expressing is a momentary slip of madness
but for now i'm tired of it
tired of everything
tired of being there when the phone rings
perhaps i'll follow the actions of another
and say goodbye to this moment in time
i've learned a lot, about me, about you, about stuff
but frankly i've just had enough
i think its time to walk away
there's not much reason for me to stay
but if return i think that does mean
that a true friendship was created
and was meant to be seamed
but if not then realize that i don't care
and perhaps you were expendable, a spare
there are other friends that will come in time
and there are friends now who can comprehend this rhyme
i've lyrically spun a riddle for you to ponder
now its time for me to wander...
sweet november...sweet feb/march?????
goodbye....
its a poem nic, not a piece....=)
have a good day, thank you come again....
e d 6:21 PM
Tuesday, March 19, 2002
i don't care
i don't care about you
i don't care about our friendship
i don't care about what you just said
i don't care about what i just learned
i don't care about anything
i don't care about anyone
i simply don't give a fuck about it all anymore...
and then i'm reminded of something....
its opposite day...
e d 10:36 AM
Monday, March 18, 2002
when all you do is lie, you begin to believe the lie
but when the lie is something that you know would inevitably become truth, then its not really a lie...its truth...
correct?
thoughts of a compulsive liar...truthsayer...
e d 6:57 AM
lainey 1:03 PM
this is for all my stories and poems and songs...
lainey 1:01 PM
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