|
Thursday, October 24, 2002
i wish that i could tell you how i really feel
i wish i could say what i mean
and write what i think without inhibition of degradation
when my mind thinks faster than i can write or type
when what comes out of my spout is verbal mazes
instead of the eloquent phrases
that i practice and practie inside
and then afterwards all i want to do is hide
bc i've messed up...
again...
and made a mess of the situation
and proclaimed it a hazard station
so instead i'll just continue to wish
and i guess to my dismay
listen to what the pharcyde say
in that classic 90s song
when things simply went wrong
bc i'm feelin that song and that beat
every time i see ya on the street
i'll just sing it in that head of mine
that catchy hook, that catchy line
because you keep "passin me by..."
lainey 7:16 PM
Saturday, October 19, 2002
this is dedicated to my parents
who had the courage to move to another country and start a new life
and lived through the racism and bullshit and survived through all that strife.
four people
an ate, a younger sister
a kuya, a younger brother
younger brother:
so one day as my kuya came home.
i wanted to impress him with my knowledge of my "american" ways
so i said to him,
"kuya kuya look my paborite mobie is on tb right now."
kuya:
really? what's on?
younger brother:
et **one word**
kuya:
et?
younger brother:
yeah you know...
reeces pieces
phone home
et?
E. T. phone home
et
kuya:
oh...riight.
younger brother:
and he thought i didnt here him when he said:
kuya:
et. hah, what a fob!
younger sister:
so i wanted to impress my ate with my "american" ways
and well we were in wherehouse and i had headphones on.
i was listening to a cd and a song came on that i knew my ate loved.
so i said loudly, not realizing the headphones were on and that i was shouting...
"ATE!! ATE!! ITS YOUR PABORITE SONG!!"
and i sang
"LOST IN EMOTION..."
my ate was blushing through her light brown skin.
she pulled me away from the music and apologized
ate:
sorry sorry
younger sister:
and she thought i didnt hear her when she said...
ate:
shit, why'd you have to embarrass me like that?
fob!
kuya:
we were raised without our little brother and sister for so long.
that we thought it was just the two of us.
ate:
we knew we had a younger brother and sister, but they were in the philippines
litlle babies who looked cute in our parents arms
kuya:
our lola didnt teach us tagalog when we were here
ate:
we already knew it
its what we spoke at home with mom and dad
kuya:
but she thought our accents would get us into trouble at school
ate:
that kids would make fun of us
kuya:
so we spoke english at home
ate:
english at school
kuya:
and eventually
ate:
we forgot how to speak tagalog
kuya:
it was like we never knew it
ate:
and we spoke
both:
perfect AMERICAN english
younger sister:
i asked my brother,
"why do they call us fobs?
we didnt come on a boat.
we came on a plane with mommy and daddy.
does that make us...fops?
younger brother:
i didnt know what to tell her.
i didnt know why they called us that either.
but i knew i didnt want to be called a fob anymore.
younger brother and sister:
so we stopped speaking in tagalog.
younger brother:
and spoke english
younger sister:
until eventually
younger brother and sister:
we spoke perfect AMERICAN english
younger sister:
i lost my accent
younger brother:
i lost my accent
ate:
i lost my accent
kuya:
i lost my accent
younger sister:
and then when i was in college looking for an "easy A" gpa booster class
i came across tagalog.
so i signed up
but when the teacher looked at me and asked,
"intindihan ng tagalog?"
i said yes.
i said yes...
in english.
younger brother:
it was gone.
i lost my accent,
but i lost my language.
i lost my voice.
all bc i didnt want to be
a FOB
i did everything the "american" way.
(whatever that meant)
ate:
i didnt know that we'd forget how to speak
i thought nothing of using english all the time
kuya:
i worried a little that each time i tried to talk in tagalog
i'd forgotten the right words
ate and kuya:
but a least i wasnt a fob.
younger brother:
i won an essay contest sponsored by the knights of columbus
it was about how america was great.
i used lyrics from anthems like,
"my country tis of thee, sweet land of liberty"
and
"o beautiful for spacious skies..."
and i ignored what was in my heart..
younger sister:
Ang bayan kong Pilipinas
Lupain ng ginto't bulaklak
Pag-ibig ang sa kanyang palad
Nag-alay ng ganda't dilag.
At sa kanyang yumi at ganda
Dayuhan ay nahalina
Bayan ko, binihag ka
Nasadlak sa dusa.
younger brother and sister:
Ibon mang may layang lumipad
Kulungin mo at umiiyak
Bayan pa kayang sakdal dilag
Ang di magnasang makaalpas!
Pilipinas kong minumutya
Pugad ng luha ko't dalita
Aking adhika,
Makita kang sakdal laya!
kuya:
pressured by the "american norm"
ate:
we forgot the language of our country
younger brother:
we pushed aside all we knew
younger sister:
for something new
kuya:
each day we try to go back and learn what we've forgotten
ate:
each day we try to remember what we know is inside
younger brother:
i realize that i am who i am
younger sister:
a child who stepped on a plane
kuya:
set foot in a country i didnt know
ate:
erased what i thought was unimportant
younger brother:
only to realize that it mattered most
younger sister:
i am a FOB
kuya:
i am a FOB
ate:
i am a FOB
younger brother:
i am a FOB
younger sister:
and so what of it?
lainey 9:40 AM
|